Love is There.

I think most people expected that Valentine's Day would find me looking kind of like this:

 

 

And I don't think anybody would blame me right now for feeling like I want to shield myself from all those raining hearts.

 

But I like love a lot.  That's why I'm so sad that I've had my heart broken.  I don't get to have that kind of love right now. 

 

On V-Day, one of my friends posted this archived blog post to Facebook(http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/archives/2007/02/14/love_is_all_you_need.html), which provided me with some reading to while away the empty hours at work, and also a way to focus on the love I've got instead of what I've been so sorely missing these past few weeks. 

 

Because there is a lot of love in my life.  I have so many great friends who let me cry, who get me drunk, who make me laugh, who hug me, who distract me, who help me feel beautiful, who remind me to breathe, who promise me that one day I'm not going to feel this sad anymore, and remind me that I am actually worth the love I've got and the love that, one day, I'm going to have again. 

 

And actually, it was a pretty good day.

 

Valentine's Day started with a text message from a dear friend with the news that she had given birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl that morning.  I'm not sure how I could possibly be cranky when my day starts with such great news. 

 

It was important to me that I have a good day and still be able to celebrate love.  When someone tells you he can't be with you any longer and he can't keep trying to make things work, it's really easy to believe that you're not worth the trying, not worth the love that makes you try.  And if it's true that I'm not worth someone else's love, why should I try either? 

 

I should try because deep, in my heart of hearts, I know that there are lots of really great things about me that are worth someone's love, particularly my own.  I'm generous, committed, perseverant, a good listener and honest.  I'm witty, pretty good at helping people see the big picture, and very good at finding the humour in a situation.  I'm a pretty talented musician, singer, writer, actor, and have been known to cut a pretty decent rug from time to time.   I'm a great cook, I'm pretty adventurous with food, and I learned how to roller skate when I was 28.  None of this is to say that I don't have flaws also, but I really think that love is about coping with the flaws because the good stuff is so good.

 

If I try to think about one of the happiest and most awesome times in my life as a single person, I think back to when I wrote this: http://www.hotmisst.blogspot.ca/2010/10/hot-people-unleash-their-secret-weapons.html.  I felt invincible when I wrote that.  I knew I was pretty great, and that sometimes I needed some armour to remind myself.  I lost some of that armour; I disposed of it when I was in the safety of a romantic relationship, thinking the relationship would be armour enough.  I forgot that I should always be my own most steadfast, brave defender.

 

My next project is rebuilding my suit of armour.  And learning to keep that armour safe no matter how safe the arms of another person make me feel.