The Best Dog Ever

 

My boyfriend’s parents are the worst people to get gifts for.  They have a lot of things already and they’re so into their routine that it’s really hard to get them something inspired that they don’t already have.  They also have the best dog ever.  So I came upon this website that gave them something functional but also celebrated their ownership of a pretty awesome dog (which is saying something, since I’m really not a dog person). 

Step 1.  Order very small quantities of expensive materials (that I could probably find locally but wanted to get at 11 p.m. in my pajamas) on Etsy.

Step 2.  Pay through the nose on shipping costs.

Step 3.  Fire up the hot glue gun.

Step 4.  Realize I have to find an awesome picture of the puppy.

Step 5.  Turn off the hot glue gun lest you burn down your apartment.

Step 6.  Find an awesome picture of the puppy on your boyfriend’s facebook.

Step 7.  Use the work photocopier to make the appropriate photocopies.

Step 8.  Grind your teeth as you cut the puppy out of the very expensive fabric you purchased on Etsy in the middle of the night in your pajamas.

Step 9.  Fire up the hot glue gun!  Again!

Step 10.  Glue the dog onto a bag.  Grind your teeth as you do it.

Step 11.  Put the bag away, patting yourself on the back for a job well done.

Step 12.  Pull the bag out a few weeks later to agonize over whether this was a great gift idea or not.  Realize that some of the glue has come loose in storage.  Weep copiously.

Step 13.  Fire up the hot glue gun…

Step 14.  Give the gift to your boyfriend’s parents.  Read feigned enjoyment into their thanks.  Weep copiously.

Step 15.  Feel sheepish when, months later, you realize they use the bag for transporting dog toys when the best dog ever stays at doggie daycare.  Sigh with weary contentment.

Baby Terror!

 

Here’s how I made these cute little baby shoes for my cousin’s firstborn.

http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/tamika---baby-shoes-in-garter-stitch-and-easy-lace-stitch

 

1.  Learn of cousin’s impending natals (like nuptials, right?) in an email from your father.

2.  Vow to begin knitting extravagant and complicated thing immediately.

3.  Re-learn of cousin’s baby news in a text message from your cousin.

4.  Take the Lord’s name in vain at your inability to remember important things, like your cousin’s baby news, your boyfriend’s birthday, your keys before locking the door, etc.

5.  Find baby shoe pattern online since that’s all you’ve got time for now.

6.  Buy the ugliest colour of yarn you can find.

7.  Begin knitting.

8.  Stop knitting for a matter of months.

9.  Knit like a madwoman because shit, she’s at like 36 weeks now.

10.  Finish the project. 

11.  Hyperventilate into a paper bag because the shoes seem big and you have no idea how big baby feet are.  Engage in hysterics because your life is not in lockstep with all the breeders out there and maybe you should hear your biological clock ticking but you don’t…oh shit, there it is.  Continue to hyperventilate through your hysterics because you don’t know how big baby feet are and you have nobody to breed with right now.

12.  Realize that procreation at this juncture in your life would be followed shortly by you locking yourself out of your apartment with your unattended baby sitting next to the oven where you left ALL THE ELEMENTS ON while you take your boyfriend out for dinner because you secretly forgot his birthday the day before.

13.  Realize that you’ve misplaced your cousin’s address.  Again.  Send her a facebook message intimating same.  Read more impatient tone than you ought into her response which contains only the requested address.

14.  Lament your colour choice one last time prior to shipping the package.  Resign yourself to being crazy childless second-cousin lady for the foreseeable future.