The Return

Since the beginning of the pandemic, I had feared this moment.

Guys, I'm having return anxiety.

I know that many of you are out there and you can't wait to get back into the swing of things and back to work and back to shopping and back to eating in restaurants and hugging your loved ones.  But I'm scared.

I've been asked to start going back to one of my jobs this week, and this has me thinking about two things.

1. The world is fundamentally different from the one I left.

I haven't actually been in a real public place since March.  In that time, I haven't been in a store or a workplace more than once or twice.  There are new protocols in place, but I've been ensconced in my curbside pick-up and porch-delivery safety zone and I haven't acclimated to the new normal.  Not that my old normal was to go around hugging everyone and sneezing on everything, but I'm nervous about the necessary COVIDiquette and how my ignorance of it will affect how I move through the world.

...And speaking of ignorance...the other way that the world is fundamentally different is, of course, the recent Black Lives Matter protests across North America, and how I, as a white person who really feels like an ally, can come to terms with the privilege I've grown up with and how I can use my privilege for good.  I am trying by calling out microaggressions and have made small financial contributions to Black-led advocacy organizations, but I'm sure I have done more harm than good in my life and my efforts as an ally definitely do not outweigh my shortcomings.  It's a lot, but there's nothing to be done but keep doing.

2. My life is a lot less busy right now and I kind of like it.

I mean, work has been a trip.  Even though I don't have a commute, I have been chained to my laptop for many hours to git'er done from home.  That being said, I've had a lot less in the way of extra-curricular commitment and it has been really nice to have some breathing space.  I do a lot of things and I'm thinking that not all of those things are as fulfilling as they should be.  The fact that I'm feeling anxious about going back to them should be a red flag.  And I'm not necessarily saying that I need to quit all, or even a certain percentage of my after-work commitments.  A friend gave me a gift this year that said "get shit done" and if that isn't a motto I actively chose for myself, my personality definitely chose it for me.  People who get shit done are often tapped to fill roles of responsibility, and the flattery that goes along with people believing in you makes it hard to say no.  But being in a position of ownership or administration also adds a certain degree of anxiety that you're doing it wrong and you're messing it up for all the other people who have a stake in whatever you're doing.  What I've learned from the feeling of relief I had back in March juxtaposed with the feeling of anxiety I'm rocking now is that maybe the good feeling of people believing in you isn't always worth the anxiety of being accountable to those people.  I haven't figured this out yet, but it's something I can't sweep under a rug when everything's back in full swing, either.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm sure I will always struggle with how I move around in the world, but the world keeps moving and so must I.