Saturday Noon

Project: Mushroom Bisque with Tarragon (The New Lighthearted Cookbook)

Though I wasn’t in school, Saturday mornings had a kind of routine to them. My brother and I would wake up early, pour a bowl of cereal and watch cartoons until our mother called us away for something else. We were rarely allowed to watch straight up to lunch time, but on the rare occasions that we were it was always a pleasure to be dragged away by a warm bowl of soup. Generally, we preferred canned soup to our mother’s homemade stuff (our taste buds were significantly less refined. My mother makes lovely soup). But this twist on one of my personal favourites gives the best of both worlds.

8 oz mushrooms 1 tbsp soft non-hydrogenated margarine 1/4 cup minced onion 2 tbsp all-purpose flour 1 cup hot chicken stock 1 1/2 cups 2% milk 1 tsp dried tarragon 1/3 cup fresh parsley salt and freshly ground pepper 1 tbsp dry sherry (optional)

Thinly slice 4 mushroom caps and set aside; coarsely chop remaining mushrooms (if sing food processor, use on-off turns)

I don’t really remember what that rocking blade is called, but it’s pretty badass, and pretty effective at chopping up large quantities of whatever you want.

In a saucepan, melt margarine over medium-high heat; add onion and cook for 2 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add chopped mushrooms and cook for 10 minutes or until golden and no liquid remains, stirring often. CRAP! I didn’t reserve the large slices of mushroom! Whatever will I do?!?

Sprinkle with flour and stir until mixed. Whisk in ho chicken stock and bring to boil, whisking constantly.

Reduce heat to low and add milk, tarragon, parsley, and reserved sliced mushrooms (SHIT!); cover and simmer for 5 minutes.

Season to taste with salt and pepper. Stir in sherry (if using).

Verdict: Pretty delicious. Though if you’re expecting the flavour of your favourite canned soup, you’ll be disappointed as this one won’t be anywhere near the right amount of salt. That being said, even if you added a sprinkle or two to your bowl, you’d probably be getting exponentially less salt than the can gives you.

Mediterranean Poop Platter

Project: Mediterranean Risotto (Betty Crocker Cookbook)

I’m doing my best to enjoy olives. Particularly the kalamata variety. I’m trying because my boyfriend eats olives like some people eat popcorn or peanuts. I love risotto. It just seems to have everything – it’s a one-pot meal, it’s simple, it has nuanced flavours. Everything.

4 3/4 cups warm chicken broth 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped 1 1/2 cups uncooked Arborio or other short-grain white rice 2 cups broccoli flowerets 3/4 cup crumbled feta cheese 1/2 cup oil-packed sundried tomatoes, drained and chopped 1 tsp dried oregano 1 can (2 1/4 oz) sliced ripe olives, drained

1. Heat 1/4 cup of the broth and the garlic to boiling in 12" non-stick skillet over medium-high heat. Stir in rice. Cook 1 minute, stirring constantly.

Look very closely. I realize it’s a blurry picture. But that’s not Arborio rice. It’s orzo. And this is the second time I’ve looked in the cupboard, decided not to buy Arborio rice, and then realized too late that what I thought was Arborio rice was actually orzo. Fail.

2. Pour 1/2 cup of the broth over rice mixture. Cook uncovered over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until liquid is absorbed. Continue cooking 15 to 20 minutes, adding broth 1/2 cup at a time and stirring occasionally, until rice is creamy and almost tender

Of course, orzo doesn’t get creamy and almost tender. It cooks like pasta. So it stays like pasta. Merde..

3. Stir in remaining ingredients. Cook 1 minute.

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Et voilà!

Verdict: A kind of rubbery version of risotto, with wilty broccoli, redeemed by the surprise bites of feta cheese. Kalamata olives lend a slightly diarrhoea flavour (because kalamata olives, unless disguised by tomatoes, have a slightly diarrhoea flavour). I think I can safely say I didn’t enjoy this one. Proof of this is that I found the container of this on the floor of my apartment having moved from the apartment at which I made this ris-orzo almost two weeks prior. It had become…great with mould. I obviously hadn’t missed it. Grocery-shopping fail, olives-tasting-good fail, general-dish fail.

A Pasta Kinda Feeling

Project: Marinara Sauce with Sausage and Ricotta (Real Simple Magazine, September 2006)

Sometimes you just need some hearty carbs on a plate. I’ve been having some busy weeks lately and though I want something simple to cook, I’ve also been doing my best to eat actual foods that I made myself. It’s a constant challenge, but I’m trying to be a real live adult who lives responsibly. It’s an hourly challenge.

This sauce is a variation on a basic marinara sauce. It’s stupid simple, but I’m posting it anyway.

2 tbsp olive oil 4 cloves garlic, thinly sliced 1 28-ounce can whole or diced tomatoes, undrained 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes 1 1/2 tsp dried oregano 1 tsp salt 1 tsp sugar 16 ounces orecchiette 1 lb hot Italian sausage 1 cup crumbled ricotta

Heat 1 tbsp of the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat.

Add the garlic and cook until golden but not browned, about 1 minute.

Add the tomatoes and their juices, red pepper, oregano, salt and sugar. bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer (crushing tomatoes with the back of a wooden spoon if using whole otmatoes) until the sauce thickens slightly, about 20 minutes. Steam looks kinda gross when it’s photographed, right?

While the sauce simmers, heat 1 tbsp olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Cook 1 lb hot Italian sausage, casings removed, until no trace of pink remains. Foiled again by the steam!

Add the sausage to the sauce.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY DIRTY STOVETOP!

Cook the orecchiette according to the package directions.

Divide the orecchiette among plates. Top each with sauce and 1/4 cup crumbled ricotta. Serves 4.

Result? Super delish and satisfying. But made WAY more than 4 servings. This serving was massive and I still ended up with like…5-6 servings instead of 4. Who is this magazine feeding?

Strange Fruit

Project: Fresh Figs with Raspberries and Rose Cream (Readers Digest Low-Calorie Cookbook)

There are many ingredients that are just not reliably available in Northern Ontario. It’s a fact of life. So, when I was visiting Toronto in September, my number one destination was Kensington Market. My primary goal was a tube of harissa, but I ended up buying a couple of totally superfluous spices (black cardamom, anyone?), some turbinado sugar (probably available here…oh well), and some really nice, ripe, fresh figs.

8 small ripe juicy figs 4 large fresh fig leaves (optional) 1 3/4 cups fresh raspberries fresh mint leaves, to decorate 7 tablespoons cultured crème fraîche 2 tsp raspberry jam finely grated zest of 1 lime 1 to 2 tbsp rose water, or to taste

Now, problem #1 is that I totally forgot to buy crème fraîche when I was at Kensington. So I tried to make it. This involves cooking cream and adding cultured buttermilk, then letting the culture do its job to thicken things up. This tactic didn’t work and I have henceforth resolved to either buy crème fraîche whenever I can get my hands on it, or just replace it with whipped cream. Nyeah.

To make the rose cream, place the crème fraîche in a bowl and beat in he raspberry jam and lime zest until the jam is well distributed. Add the rose water and stir to mix in. Transfer to a pretty serving bowl.

Cut each of the figs vertically into quarters without cutting all the way through, so they each remain whole. Arrange the fig leaves , if using, on 4 plates and place 2 figs on each plate.

So, obviously I didn’t pay much heed to the cutting directions. I’m not sure figs taste better when left partially intact…plus I’d already ruined the crème fraîche…

Spoon a dollop of the rose cream into the middle of each fig; serve the remaining cream separately. Scatter the raspberries over the plates and decorate with the mint leaves.

Et voilà! Yeah…I kind of forewent all the garnishes. Because I didn’t read the recipe properly. I thought these were pretty tasty. My other taste tester was, I think, a little trepidatious (yeah, I think I made that word up) about a big plate of strange fruit. Mixed reviews, anyway.

An exercise in excess

Ever wanted to just do the worst thing you possibly could? Let me help:

http://www.instructables.com/id/Bacon-Maple-Candy-Bars/

My boyfriend “loves the pig,” so I promised him I’d make these monstrosities for our first anniversary together. You can follow the very helpful instructable, or you can enjoy this photo journal of what happened when I made an attempt.

So, you might notice that I’m missing a few steps in my photo journal.

That’s because I got distracted being romantic with my boyfriend (INNOCENTLY romantic, people! Get your minds out of the gutter) and burned the bacon/maple/deliciousness to the bottom of my pot. Resulting in a charred-tasting candy bar, and a charred-to-the-bottom pot. I abandoned the candy bar making process at this point, forgetting about the dipping in chocolate bit. It all got eaten anyway.

Is it still too late for BRAINS?

It’s not often that I attempt food sculpture. My boyfriend’s mother’s birthday-cake-decorating-hottest-day-of-summer fiasco turned me off of that for a while. Then I saw these awesome creations.

I had to try them.

I was, at first, hesitant to make cupcakes with (gasp!) a mix, but I thought about how much time I was going to have to spend on the rest of the whole arrangement and caved. Dr. Oetker to the rescue. As a result, the cupcake batter part went pretty predictably.

As things were baking, I had to get my craft on, though.

Problem #1: Those cool zombie hands? They weren’t at my local…anywhere. Time to improvise! Found these at my local gigantic multi-national neighbourhood corporation.

Please ignore the copious amounts of cat hair on my futon. It’s as though it’s taken on a life of its own. So…these are finger puppets. On which I performed some careful surgery.

And then I painted them. With food colour gel. Mistake #1.

There are still red splotches on my office table.

Next: My printer’s not hooked up and I don’t have an awesome colour printer. More time to improvise. And justify spending on craft supplies I’ll use perhaps once per year.

Yup. Expensive glitter paper. Cut into headstones. Glued together. Written on with expensive craft pen.

Voilà!

And finally, my favourite part! Frosting!

I don’t know of a reliable source for food colour gel in town (which is a shame ‘cuz I just wasted a bunch painting detached finger-puppet arms), so I’ve been mixing primary colours…with unpredictable success.

This is kind of baby poop green. Therefore, it is perfect. See?

And then, all I had to do was assemble!

1. Add dirt.

2. Add zombie arms and headstones. Choose three nicest ones. Eat all the crappy-looking ones. Photograph nice ones for blog. Eat the nice ones.

Done and done. Yeah, I’m a little late for Halloween, but I swear I’ve FELT like a zombie all week, so at least it fits SOME KIND of theme.