Mediterranean Poop Platter

Project: Mediterranean Risotto (Betty Crocker Cookbook)

I’m doing my best to enjoy olives. Particularly the kalamata variety. I’m trying because my boyfriend eats olives like some people eat popcorn or peanuts. I love risotto. It just seems to have everything – it’s a one-pot meal, it’s simple, it has nuanced flavours. Everything.

4 3/4 cups warm chicken broth 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped 1 1/2 cups uncooked Arborio or other short-grain white rice 2 cups broccoli flowerets 3/4 cup crumbled feta cheese 1/2 cup oil-packed sundried tomatoes, drained and chopped 1 tsp dried oregano 1 can (2 1/4 oz) sliced ripe olives, drained

1. Heat 1/4 cup of the broth and the garlic to boiling in 12" non-stick skillet over medium-high heat. Stir in rice. Cook 1 minute, stirring constantly.

Look very closely. I realize it’s a blurry picture. But that’s not Arborio rice. It’s orzo. And this is the second time I’ve looked in the cupboard, decided not to buy Arborio rice, and then realized too late that what I thought was Arborio rice was actually orzo. Fail.

2. Pour 1/2 cup of the broth over rice mixture. Cook uncovered over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until liquid is absorbed. Continue cooking 15 to 20 minutes, adding broth 1/2 cup at a time and stirring occasionally, until rice is creamy and almost tender

Of course, orzo doesn’t get creamy and almost tender. It cooks like pasta. So it stays like pasta. Merde..

3. Stir in remaining ingredients. Cook 1 minute.

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Et voilà!

Verdict: A kind of rubbery version of risotto, with wilty broccoli, redeemed by the surprise bites of feta cheese. Kalamata olives lend a slightly diarrhoea flavour (because kalamata olives, unless disguised by tomatoes, have a slightly diarrhoea flavour). I think I can safely say I didn’t enjoy this one. Proof of this is that I found the container of this on the floor of my apartment having moved from the apartment at which I made this ris-orzo almost two weeks prior. It had become…great with mould. I obviously hadn’t missed it. Grocery-shopping fail, olives-tasting-good fail, general-dish fail.