A Fill-in Exercise

 

I’ve had a thing for lists for quite some time.  It’s a family joke.  To the point that a few years back, my aunt and uncle gave me a book called “Listography,” which is nothing more than a blank book with subjects over each page, facilitating my bizarre and socially-debilitating habit.  Since I have run out of things I’ve made and photographed that aren’t meant as gifts for someone THIS CHRISTMAS, I thought I’d treat you to an annotated list from the book (oh joy!).

Pets I’ve Had and Their Names

1.  The Catfish (aka [briefly] Mustache):  Really, this was my Dad’s pet.  Long before I was even thought of, my father purchased a Plecostomus catfish (commonly known as an algae eater) to fill out his fishtank.  The Catfish was a formidable enemy to any other inhabitants of the fishtank.  When I was very young, this monster of a fish ate all the guppies in the tank.  All of them.  Racked with guilt, the fish attempted suicide on more than one occasion, hurling himself out of his tank onto a sandy cottage floor.  The Catfish lived to the sturdy old age of something-over-twenty, grew to approximately 7 inches long, and survived not only his own suicide attempts, but my grandmother’s passive-aggressive attempts at murder and a three-month stint being taken care of by a messy and careless eighteen-year-old girl (me) who forgot to clean his tank quite frequently indeed.

2.  Allan:  Allan the cat suffered not only from the indignity of being a Manx cat and the only feline on the block having been naturally selected to be tail-less, but also the unfortunate luck to have been named by a three-year-old (me) with a crush on a boy named Allan, even though Allan the cat happened to be a lady-type cat.  Allan spent most of her life pretending to be one of my stuffed animals, hoping silently that I would not smother her in my sleep, rubbing her white fur against the bricks of my house that had been painted red and left a pinkish-hue to her coat, lazing about atop the rocking chair in the living room and rolling off onto the crokinole board we stored below, and hunting the flying squirrels around the cottage, consuming all but the filtration organs and tail (incidentally, I have a Clampetts-style collection of flying squirrel tales to this day).  Sadly, Allan met an untimely end after being anti-freeze poisoned, resulting in a night of dyskinesia and frothing at the mouth, a rabies-poisoning scare and the most horrifying cat autopsy I’ve ever heard of.  Allan rests beneath the birches at my family cottage, watching intently as the flying squirrels leap overhead.

3.  Ophelia:  Ophelia was the Allan replacement cat.  She had been rescued by my piano teacher from her husband, a burlap bag, and a rain barrell and given away at my very last piano recital.  I suspect she was about 2 weeks old when we got her.  A sweet thing, she would sleep by my feet under the covers after rolling in her litter box, climb my leg while I was doing my homework a the computer in denim shorts, and try to eat my hand while I slept.  She is now my mother’s feline companion and, like her Shakespearean namesake, is mentally ill and has issues with boy cats.  She can be found hiding behind furniture in my mother’s living room so she can bite at unsuspecting hands and feet and growl at the other cats.

4.  Funk & Wagnalls:  When I was in my early twenties, I inherited a fishtank from my father’s girlfriend.  I filled it with two pearl goramis and a handful of tetras.  I named the goramis Funk & Wagnalls (after the encyclopedia) with the intention that if I lost one, then the other would become Funk by default and I’d name a new one Disco.  Har har.  Turns out that I received two male goramis and they are pretty territorial.  The following weeks were filled with one gorami chasing the other away from the food until one day one of them was found belly-up amongst the plastic weeds.  Knowing that it was all the other gorami’s fault, I named the remaining one Wagnalls because he wasn’t awesome enough to be Funk.  At all.  And he received no more playmates.  Wagnalls was eventually poisoned by his own water when the filtration system on his pump went the way of Funk.

5.  Puck:  Puck is my current feline friend.  My family’s tradition of naming our cats after characters from Shakespeare plays continues, and he is an aptly named Robin Goodfellow.  Always up for japes and trixsy mischief, he enjoys shredding tissue paper into confetti, hiding behind furniture to engage unsuspecting passersby in a round of surprise-tag-with-claws-out, humping my feet as I’m trying to sleep, climbing things, and trying to share my food with me.  He also once made an attempt at scratching my boyfriend’s eyes out.  There’s still a scar.  Ah yes, that little scamp.  You can’t help but be won over by his good-natured trickery.  :S

Christmas Spirits

 

Baltimore Eggnog (International Bartender’s Guide)

It’s been a long time since my last post, and you can bet that’s because life went bananas with a side of shit-storm.  But it’s definitely time to get into the Christmas season.  I made this drink a while ago, but the upcoming holiday season is the perfect excuse to feature it.  So is the fact that “Blog” was the next item on my long-forgotten to-do list.

1 oz brandy 1 oz Jamaican rum 1 oz madeira wine 2 oz heavy cream 1 whole egg 1 tsp sugar 4 oz chilled milk nutmeg

So…basically shake everything together in a shaker with ice, strain it into the sweet, sweet glass that came with your purchase of delicious Sailor Jerry’s, and sprinkle it with nutmeg.

 

The result: a very potent, creamy, potentially-salmonella-filled Christmas beverage, perfect for those moments when your in-laws are being themselves, your parents are rolling their eyes at your future career plans, or your children are using their new toys as weapons in the couch-cushion-trench war they start to determine who gets ALL THE TOYS next year.

BOTTOMS UP!  Happy Holidays Everyone!

Nothing says autumn like…

Deluxe Apple Pie (Five Roses: A Guide to Good Cooking)

Especially when you made it in August. 

I haven’t made or eaten pie in a long time, but when I do, apple is my go-to.  I was very excited to make this one because, as the recipe title suggests, it is supposed to be the luxury model apple pie. 

Start by making crusts:

 

Seems right enough. 

Then cut up some apples.  Ignore the fact that the recipe called for thin slices, cuz dammit, you like chunks.

Then mix up some flour and spices.

Mix the spices with the apples.

Shove the spicy apple chunks into the pre-prepared pie crust.  Dump great big gobs of butter and lemon zest on them, because that makes them extra tasty.

Put the top on your pie crust.  Realize that you have made a calculation error in you crust division, likely due to the extra-deep nature of your pie dish, which was a very generous Christmas gift and not-so-subtle hint to make more pies.  Swear a little.  Look at the clock.  Consider making more pie crust.  Admit that there’s not really time to do that.  Swear some more.

 

Wrap the pie in foil.

Bake the pie at 350 for longer than you expect is necessary, staying up way too late.  Lament the pie miscalculation.  Bemoan the fact that no pie crust is ever anything like your grandmother’s.  Swear off pie-baking for the foreseeable future.  Remember this is why you swore off pie-baking the last time.  Eat the apple-pastry terror you have wrought.

Fin.

Almost as good as a pedicure…

 

Actually, no.  My feet are disgusting and the last time I got a pedicure, I needed another one two days later.  But along the lines of rejuvenating old and cracked things, I came upon this DIY update for an old pair of flip flops (the ones you find a pile of in your closet every spring and wonder “why did I buy 3 pairs of these?”, knowing secretly that the answer is “Because they were $4”). 

http://www.makeit-loveit.com/2011/07/flip-flop-refashion-part-1-braided-straps.html

Pay no attention to my disgusting heels! 

So, this little project basically cost me a few drops of hot glue.  You may notice in the original DIY that they used a five-stranded braid.  I have no time for such things, so my braid is the original, upstanding three-stranded variety.  Going to give them a try this week and we’ll see if they fall apart, or fall off.

A Bright Sunny House

 

Based on an idea from here, I helped to warm an old friend’s new home, and wish her a happy birthday at the same time.

http://seekatesew.blogspot.ca/2011/09/diy-fabric-covered-wreath.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+SeeKateSew+%28see+kate+sew%29

I love this website’s patterns, but was especially pleased with this project because it departed from the nominal purpose of the website and didn’t actually involve any sewing.  Mine’s not as complicated as hers (mostly because I don’t have a die cutter), but I think I did an admirable job.

I like the yellow rosy fabric quite a bit, though I think my rosettes sort of became four-leaf clovers somewhere in the fray.  Good luck with the new house?

Ombre…hombre…

 

I remember a time when socks and underwear and dishcloths would have enraged me if I’d found them under the tree.  Now, I’m quite happy to find them there because, let’s face it, they’re not that much fun to shop for.  The gift is that someone else has done it for me.

I hope my giftees feel the same way.  Here’s one I made last summer our of a discontinued yarn from the local yarn shop.  Sadly, it ended up being kind of a funny shape because I ran out of yarn (I think I actually had to cut off the starting tail and use it to finish the last row).

http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/dishcloth-towel-yellow-dbl-moss

Fruit Smoothie Mix-ups

 

Strawberry Soother (Four Ingredient Cookbook)

I like a good smoothie as much as the next person – especially when they involve summer fruits.  This one called for ripe strawberries and nectarine, which I love.  Except I made it in February.  Because I am a genius.

1.  Hull the strawberries.  Using a sharp knife, cut the peach or nectarine into fourths and pull out the pit.  Cut the flesh into coarse slices.

Alternatively, don’t hull the strawberries because the frozen food company did it for you.  And pour the mango chunks out of the other frozen food bag because you can’t get peaches in Northern Ontario in February. 

2.  Using a juice extractor, juice the fruit.  Alternatively, place the fruit in a food processor or blender and process until smooth.

Now, I have more counterspace than most apartment dwellers, but eff that juice extractor shit.  I like to justify my cheapness and my stinginess about counter space by saying that I’ll eat the fibre and you won’t, nyeah.

Anyway, this was pretty tasty, and…refreshing…on a cold February night. 

Just Like Dad Used to Make

 

My Dad likes to do excruciatingly detailed woodworking, particularly for Christmas.  He would (and probably often still does) spend hours in his basement workshop with his carving tools and implements of woodworking magic to make little stocking-stuffer toys in the Father Christmas tradition (like, the same Father Christmas who would bring oranges instead of Quality Street).

I am not a woodworking genius, and I don’t have a basement workshop and I don’t have magical implements.  So I tried to replicate the “just-for-fun” toys another way.

http://bkids.typepad.com/bookhoucraftprojects/2011/05/project-85-cd-case-labyrinth.html

The hardest part of this was finding CD cases where the CD bed popped out and all you were left with was a hollow rectangle.  The rest was surprisingly simple.  Here’s the result:

Posies for Pinkies

 

As some may be aware, I made it a goal to give everyone on my Christmas list last year something handmade.  One of the little things I gave to my cousins and aunts was this adorbs little ring.

http://maizehutton.blogspot.ca/2011/02/rick-rack-rings-diy.html

It was pretty simple to make – the hardest part was actually finding empty rings.  The North Cobalt Flea Market saved the day yet again.

As you can see, I added some little felt leaves.  I felt like this helped to cover up the setting part of the ring (and the excess hot glue).

Cute, no?

A Little Like Your Great Aunt Mavis

Last year, and this year, I pledged to make everyone something handmade.  I almost made it, except for my colleagues at work.  The problem with handmade stuff is that it’s really difficult to make something for the men.  Unless they really love socks.  A lot.
Here’s what I made for my mother’s partner.  Photographs are always a safe bet, and I figure they don’t mind what kind of frame they come in anyway.  So I knit one.  It was pretty easy.  Even though I kind of felt like a knit picture frame is the sort of thing you see in in the fixed-rent apartment of an ancient maiden aunt.
The pattern came from a Ravelry user. 
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/photo-frames
I used a picture from a hike the three of us went on the last time they last came to visit taken with my cell phone.  The result:

Thai One On

Thai Beef Noodle Salad (Canadian Living Special Issue: Market Fresh)
I love Thai food, but I’m almost never able to reproduce it at home.  This attempt was no exception.

1 lb beef flank marinating steak 1 piece english cucumber 1 large carrot 6 oz wide rice-stick noodles quarter red onion, thinly sliced 3 tbsp chopped fresh coriander and mint 3 tbsp thai basil or other basil leaves 1/4 cup chopped unsalted peanuts 2 tbsp soy sauce 1 tbsp sesame oil and vegetable oil 2 cloves garlic, minced 2 tbsp grated ginger root 1 tbsp granulated sugar 1/2 cup hot water 1/4 cup granulated sugar 2 tbsp lime juice 2 tbsp fish sauce 2 thai or serrano chilies

Marinade: In glass baking dish, combine soy sauce, sesame oil, vegetable oil, garlic, ginger, and sugar; add steak, turning to coat.  Cover and refrigerate for 4 hours, turning occasionally.
Dressing: In jar with tight-fitting lid, shake water with sugar until dissolved.  Add lime juice, fish sauce and chilies.  Shake to mix. 

OR, put it in a pyrex container with a non-tight-fitting lid and shake dressing, splattering it all over your kitchen.  Like I did.
Using vegetable peeler, slice cucumber  lengthwise into thin strips, slicing around centre seeds.  Slice carrots lengthwise into thin strips; set aside.
In large pot of boiling salted water, cook rice noodles for 6 to 7 minutes or until tender.  Drain and hill under cold water; drain and transfer to large bowl.  Toss with dressing.  Set aside.
Discarding marinade, place steak on greased grill over medium-high heat; close lid and grill, turning once, for about 8 minutes for medium-rare or until desired doneness.   Transfer to cutting board and tent with foil; let stand for 5 minutes.  Thinly slice against the grain.

Add cucumber, carrot, onion, coriander, mint and basil to noodle mixture; toss to coat.  Divide among bowls or plates; top with steak and sprinkle with peanuts.

Makes 4 to 6 servings.
This was probably the tastiest Thai-inspired steak ever.  It was probably the grossest noodle salad though, since I definitely overcooked the noodles.  And it made TERRIBLE leftovers, which is tragic because without leftovers I would starve.

The Real Thing

Split Pea Soup (Betty Crocker Cookbook)

Habitant Pea Soup was a staple of my childhood, so I was pretty excited to produce the real thing, from scratch, in a an area rife with French Canadiana.

2 1/4 cups dried split peas (1 lb), sorted and rinsed 8 cups water 1/4 tsp pepper 1 lg onion 2 medium stalks celery, finely chopped 1 ham bone, 2 lbs ham shanks or 2 lbs smoked pork hocks 3 medium carrots, cut into 1/4” slices

1. Heat all ingredients except carrots to boiling in 4-quart Dutch oven, stirring occasionally; reduce heat Cover and simmer 1 hour to 1 hour 30 minutes.

By the way, smoked pork hocks look really gross. Really.

2. Remove ham bone; let stand until cool enough to handle. Remove ham from bone. Remove excess fat from ham; cut ham into 1/2” pieces.

Also, smoked pork hocks have a buttload of fat around them. Smoky, salty (delicious and hard not to stick back in the soup) fat.

3. Stir ham and carrots into soup. Heat to boiling; reduce heat. Cover and simmer about 30 minutes or until carrots are tender and soup is desired consistency.

In the end, it looked an awful lot like my post-Sunday School lunch from days gone by, but it was a little thicker and pastier than I recall. Maybe that means I’d done my French Canadian neighbours proud.

Just to be safe, I didn’t let them taste test.

Not as delicious as a Disney Movie

Stir-Fry Ratatouille (The New Lighthearted Cookbook)

My aunt’s sister used to refer to her mother’s ratatouille as rat-shit-patooie. Fitting that some few decades later Disney would come out with a movie glorifying the dish (really, I think they chose it because it’s a funny word) and its’ being made by rats.

2 tbsp canola oil 1 medium onion, sliced 2 cloves garlic, minced 8 medium mushrooms, halved 1 small sweet yellow or red pepper, cubed 2 cups cubed (1/2” pieces) unpeeled eggplant 1 small zucchini, sliced 2 tomatoes, cut in wedges 1/2 tsp each dried thyme and basil salt and pepper

In a large non-stick skillet, heat half of oil over medium-high heat; add onion, garlic, mushroom, and sweet pepper and stir-fry until tender, about 4 minutes, adding up to 2 tbsp water if needed to prevent burning. With slotted spoon, remove to side dish and set aside.

Heat remaining oil in skillet; add eggplant and zucchini; stir-fry for 4 minutes or until tender.

Screw that dirtying another dish shit. My zucchini and eggplant JOINED the mushroom mixture. No waiting until the zucchini’s “ready” for mushroom to come on the scene for my ratatouille.

Return mushroom mixture to pan, add tomatoes, thyme, and basil; cover and simmer for 5 minutes. Add salt and pepper.

You may notice a dearth of tomato on my plate. That’s because tomatoes, untouched by the heat, salt, and pulverizing of the canning process, are kinda gross. So I didn’t put them in. Nyeah.

This was ok. I’m pretty adventurous, but I still think that many iterations of eggplant are a little shifty-eyed, this one included. Conclusion: not rat shit. Also not mind-blowing.

Makes 6 servings.

Date Sandwich

Date Cookies (Nora McC)

These are, apparently, my great-great Aunt Nora’s famous (?) date cookies. So far as I understand, this woman lived in a rustic shack in the wilderness for many years of her life, which makes it understandable that this recipe reads the way it does.

3 cups rolled oats 2 1/2 cups flour 3 tsp baking powder 1/4 tsp salt 1 cup brown sugar 1/2 cup lard 1/2 cup butter 1/2 cup milk

Put rolled oats into a bowl; sift flour, baking powder and salt together; add to oats; then sugar. Melt butter and lard, add to dry mixture with milk. Mix all together; roll, cut with round cutter and bake in moderate oven.

For how long? Moderate is what temperature, now? Well, I settled for 350F and checking every 5 minutes until they looked not-raw. I’m guessing moderate probably means 3 maple logs and a pine log, vs. all pine all the time or something.

Fill with the following mixture:

1 lb chopped dates 1 cup brown sugar 1 cup hot water

Cook well. Well, that looks like the bog of eternal stench. Delish.

The result is this:

A gargantuan mound of oats and dates, suitable for a sizeable breakfast were it not for the half pound of baking fat included in the recipe. Oh well…I guess I’ll just have to eat them anyway. You know, in Aunt Nora’s memory.

Post-Christmas Peppermint

Peppermint Swirl Cupcakes

(http://bestfriendsforfrosting.com/2011/10/chocolate-peppermint-cupcakes-recipe/)

There’s a cupcake expert in my town. She makes awesome cupcakes. I don’t want to best her. But I want my cupcakes to look slightly less like crapcakes in comparison. Here’s a photojournal of my first attempt at non-crapcakes.

Check out my one mutant cupcake.

Ah, hell. They’re all mutants.

This was the least mutant-y of my cupcakes.

I think what happened was that a. I overpoured one, thus underpouring slightly on all of them, and b. the batter (by nature of the recipe) was super liquidy. Like. Very. Though it produced a very moist cupcake, it also produced a batch of cakes with divots in them. This was made up for with extra icing.

Sidenote: I’m always left with buckets of leftover icing. This recipe was almost bang on with the quantity of icing to cupcake. Huzzah!